Picture the typical upper-middle class Singaporean family. A highly educated husband and wife with “good” jobs in areas like medicine, law, engineering and the civil service. If they have children, they probably employ a domestic worker. Their kids attend pre-schools with low teacher-to-child ratios. Grandparents may pitch in with childcare. When the domestic worker has a day off, the parents don’t think twice about eating out or ordering in. A range of tuition and enrichment classes keep their children occupied. Free from handling the bulk of domestic chores, higher-income parents can focus on engaging, interacting with, or guiding their children.
But that’s not the end of the story—there are other less-discussed forms of family work that keep the wheels turning. We can think of this residual work broadly in terms of overlapping circles of managerial work, organisational work, mental work, and emotion work. If this sounds familiar to you, you’re not alone: “My husband is a fantastic partner. He shares a lot of the family duties and he is great with the kids. But still…he [would be] asking me ‘what do we have going on this weekend’ and I would feel myself getting frustrated.”
For a growing sub-group of the younger population, housekeeping and breadwinning duties are shared equitably. According to a 2020 study by Ipsos, a market research firm, in conjunction with United Women Singapore, close to nine out of 10 married Singaporeans believe housework can be shared equally, and younger couples are more likely to agree that they share housework equitably. Yet in relation to domestic work and parenthood, women still report more stress and less well-being than men.
One piece of this puzzle may be that men and women don’t agree on the extent to which responsibilities are in fact fairly allocated. For example, 45 percent of women report that they are typically responsible for minding, bathing and feeding children. However, only 23 percent of men agree that their spouse is. Why is this so?
This essay considers forms of domestic and caregiving work that are less visible, how the allocation of such work may be preventing couples from each achieving the best experience of family life and individual fulfilment, and what it takes for change. Note that the Ipsos study’s sample approximates Singapore’s population in terms of race and gender, but is skewed towards higher-income participants, with about 80 percent classified as middle- or upper-class, based on their individual incomes. Thus the focus here is on upper-middle class, heteronormative families. Other socioeconomic status-related perspectives will be considered in future essays.
A common joke in Singapore is that men have one boss in the office, and another at home—their wife. The Ipsos study’s findings indicate that women are more likely than men to be responsible for managing households. “Despite a lot of home help and house help, the entire responsibility…to see it through, was on my shoulders,” said one woman. Wives tend to manage the overall relationship with the domestic worker. Women were also likely to plan family meals, considering nutrition, individual preferences, selection of ingredients or special events. Even after “outsourcing the work”, another woman said, the running of the house is “squarely in my court”.
Women are often judged more harshly than their male partners for how well a household is run. In a segment titled, “Wife, Mom-in-Law and Maid: Triangle of Drama”, comedian Jason Leong described how his mother-in-law sends her domestic worker to clean his house every two weeks. The domestic worker reports back to his mother-in-law, and soon enough, his mother-in-law is urging his wife to “clean your house a bit la…where do I put my face?” This prompts Jason’s spouse to anxiously try to clean the house—and get Jason’s help to do so—ahead of the domestic worker’s arrival. Jason bemoans the irony in this, but the joke reflects how women tend to feel responsible for how the household is perceived. Day-to-day banter about the “wife boss”, “naggy wife”, “angry wife” or related ideas can be more harmful than we imagine, reinforcing gender norms, and normalising or trivialising a married woman’s difficulties.
The government’s 2022 White Paper on Singapore Women’s Development acknowledged that mindsets had to change so that gender would no longer be tied to roles in caregiving, household chores and breadwinning. In response, TODAY investigated societal views on gender. Eight out of 10 women TODAY interviewed said that although their husbands pitched in equally for physical chores, they were the ones who had to keep track of household administrative tasks. It falls mainly on women to handle organisational and administrative tasks such as planning family gatherings, managing the family’s calendar, keeping track and booking medical appointments for children, and “miscellaneous things” such as paying fees for enrichment classes on time.
Mothers in Singapore have spoken about doing more of the “worry work”, trying to get the best outcomes for her family: that a child is not only surviving but also thriving, that the house is not only functioning but also a happy and healthy place. Examples of mental work include research on child psychology and development; planning the optimum diet; coordinating social events such as play dates and birthday parties; making sure a child does not feel left out in school by keeping up with trends like Frozen-themed backpacks; maintaining relationships with other parents; putting together a child’s costume for “racial harmony day”; and keeping up-to-date with health issues like whether to change from plastic to glass tupperware in light of the latest news on microplastics.
The mental work also translates to residual physical work that falls primarily on the mother, unless specifically delegated to the husband (assuming he is equally interested) or the domestic worker (which will entail associated work of communicating and overseeing). Some matters are considered too sensitive or unsuitable to be delegated to the domestic worker, such as choosing and buying decorations and gifts for a child’s party. When a child has a special condition, such as eczema, residual work increases, including seeking advice from friends on the best paediatric care and products, and making sure that the products are applied multiple times a day. As a mother in the Ipsos study explained, after her son developed a peanut allergy, she became the person-in-charge of family nutritional planning.
Today, a myriad of products and services are available at the click of a button, alongside an influx of information about how to raise a child and run a household. Should you buy toys made of organic material? How much digital screen-time is acceptable? This, together with anxieties about parenting in today’s complex and competitive world, make for a heavy mental load.
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild coined the term “emotion work” to refer to the labour that someone does to regulate their emotions so as to create a publicly observable facial and bodily display. Emotion work, where paid, is found in care-oriented jobs, or so-called “pink-collar” work, such as flight attendants, nurses, receptionists, teachers (in particular of young children who require patience and particular mannerisms), social workers, and in personal care, such as massage therapists (who seek to create a relaxing experience for customers). This work is mainly done by women.
In private life, women also disproportionately bear the brunt of managing the family’s emotional needs. For example, when a child cries, chances are you’re more likely to see the mother trying to placate or comfort the child. If the family is out, you may see the father trying to hold the fort in other ways, such as monitoring the other children or ordering food at the restaurant. And while a husband may readily help a child with homework, it is more likely a wife that listens to teachers’s updates or complaints, and responds appropriately—usually to assure the teacher that the parents will address the child’s behaviour—thereby managing the emotional needs of the teacher, as well.
In a social setting, it is common to see a wife bustling about making sure that guests are comfortable. In this case, men—more than women—are able to disengage or “do their own thing”. I’ve heard several women complain that even with her husband’s parents, she puts in more effort in responding and interacting, while her husband regularly “tunes out”.
Emotion work, like any labour, requires energy and effort.
In the Ipsos study, participants were asked to identify who was responsible for a given task. Almost half of women report that, in relation to children, they are typically responsible for minding, bathing, feeding, and monitoring academics. However, less than 10 percent of men agree that their spouse was typically responsible for these tasks. Almost half of men, but only about 35 percent of women, think these tasks are fairly shared. There is a similar perception gap in housework.
Men who indicate that work is fairly shared may think that the domestic worker is primarily responsible for these tasks, and that any residual work is fairly shared between husband and wife. By contrast, when women report that they are typically responsible, it can be because they feel ultimately in-charge of these matters: it is mostly their necks on-the-line, and they bear most of the mental load involved.
Other couple dynamics may explain why men are failing to “see” some of the work that women do. While the nagging wife has become a caricature in popular culture, it isn’t necessarily an easy or enjoyable role. Any manager who has to delegate work to an unenthusiastic recipient and follow up is performing a fair amount of mental work. Like said manager, if a wife finds that a task done by her husband was unsatisfactory, she may convince herself that it is faster to re-do the task herself instead. The more a woman handles household matters, the more adept she becomes at it. Sometimes couples also justify that since the woman is more particular about how a task is done, it “makes sense” and is more efficient if she handles the task.
To avoid confrontation, a woman may “choose her battles” by only raising one complaint despite there being more. If a couple had planned to go on “date night”, a woman may not want to risk an argument—for those with young children, moments of peace and intimacy between husband and wife are often hard to come by. Traditionally, women were also warned that a nagging wife can cause a husband to “stray”. Even today, wives are aware that a husband who feels targeted and misunderstood is more likely to lash out, become defensive, shut down, or turn away. The tension arising from this dynamic was alluded to by some men who reported that it’s difficult to help as they don’t meet their wife’s higher standards. To limit tension at home, a woman may ultimately choose to silently do, or re-do, household tasks.
Where baby night feeds and care are mainly handled by mothers, this may be another source of women’s work that men do not “see” or fully understand. Sometimes women actively position themselves as the key caregiver in a phenomenon known as “maternal gatekeeping”. As a male interviewee said, “Sometimes, I think she cannot let go, like it’s very hard for her to trust me to take care of him.” Multiple reasons can explain this, including whether a husband has had adequate experience in handling a child in his wife’s view. If, for any reason, a child develops a preference for their mother, this usually results in the mother spending more time interacting with them, inadvertently creating a self-reinforcing pattern of mother as primary caregiver. Primary caregivers tend to handle bits and pieces of work that are difficult to quantify, such as sitting with a child during a social gathering, and therefore being less able to relax and partake in group socialisation.
“Divide work along the lines of interest or competence,” the advice goes. Couples are likely to say that any differences in the work they do is due to their respective personalities or capabilities. It is common to hear, “she’s better at organising”, or “he just isn’t good with crying babies”, or “he’s better at running errands outside the house”. If women are naturally better at managing the household, why change things?
While it may be efficient to specialise in roles, there are problems with this assumed “personality logic”. There is nothing innate or biological about the personality traits women are said to have that make them suited for managing a household. Personality traits that men are described as lacking tend to be core components of their paid work. For example, men may be project managers, engineers, finance executives and doctors—work that requires managerial skills, organisational and planning skills, and attention to detail. In Gender (2002), author RW Connell observed that the “overwhelming conclusion” from at least a hundred years of “sex difference” research is that men and women are very similar psychologically.
It may be the “path of least resistance” for couples to rationalise their situation by pointing to their individual personalities. It is also human nature to think that we are unique. In reality, broader socio-economic forces shape our identities and choices. Which explains why the way couples divide work isn’t so unique after all. There are predictable patterns divided by gender in Singapore, and similar patterns have been reported in countries like the UK and the US. In some cases, pointing to personality differences is also easier than asking if men are willing to take on more of the unseen responsibilities at home, and if women can “let go” of internalised expectations of themselves.
In the Ipsos study, 52 percent of women, versus 68 percent of men, report having the time to look after their physical, mental and emotional well-being. Women report higher levels of difficulty in managing domestic life. Of men without children, 75 percent reported being “mostly happy” or “very happy”. For those with children, the percentage did not change. In contrast, 65 percent of women without children reported being “mostly happy” or “very happy”, and this dropped to 47 percent for women with children. Some 51 percent of women, versus 41 percent of men, report that their household or caring situation is “very stressful” or “generally manageable but with many stressful moments”. The balance of work therefore appears to be taking a toll on women.
The “super mum” may not be spending hours cooking or cleaning, but in between her full-time job, she has plenty on her mind and on her to-do lists. If the “invisible” forms of work were shared more equitably, women can experience more mental and emotional bandwidth to devote to personal or career goals.
As for men, the hope is that a better insight into their partner’s psyche moves them to take on more of the invisible labour, for the well-being of their partner and their relationship. Some may experience a greater sense of ownership, achievement and enjoyment over household matters, perhaps benefiting from a closer bond with children or extended family members. Fathers can share in the joy and satisfaction of being a primary caregiver to children. It is time to reconsider the stereotype of a father who reports to his “boss” at home, dutifully running errands on his wife’s instructions.
Traditional masculinity is associated with power and status, and it is common to see men pursue high salary, high-ranking titles, influence (eg, by virtue of political or religious positions), and the acquisition of status symbols such as expensive cars or watches. A corporate career man in Singapore told me, “There are only two kinds of men—men with money and men without.” Evidence on happiness should give men pause to re-think the pursuit of work at the expense of good relationships. Men have also traditionally been expected to be breadwinners. Given changing expectations, some men feel squeezed—expected to not only be “providers” but also nurturing fathers and involved husbands. With rising costs of living, the anxiety to perform at work is heightened for both men and women. However, especially in upper-middle class, dual-income families, the opportunity is present for wives to share in the responsibility to “provide”, and for husbands to give themselves the space to grow more holistically to assume a wider role within the family.
When couples don’t see eye-to-eye on work done, there may be more marital problems. A Swedish study showed that when women thought the distribution of housework was unfair and perceptions of each partner’s contribution differed, it led to marriage problems and increased the likelihood of a split. Unequal distribution of caring responsibilities in couples may also lead to less sexual satisfaction.
Women who want more help must take it upon themselves to hand over responsibilities to their partner fully. Dividing and owning every aspect of a task, a practice Eve Rodsky coined CPE (conception, planning and execution), is an effective way to share the mental load. Women need to accept that their husbands may not complete a task as expected, and both parties must be prepared for a learning curve—we all start somewhere.
In the process of re-negotiating responsibilities, a couple may face resistance from others and will have to stand firm and united. In the Ipsos study, it was documented that a husband’s parents actively enforced traditional gender roles, resisting the idea of their son doing housework. If a woman’s in-laws regularly complain to her about household matters, the couple can establish boundaries in line with their shared principles, and may need to insulate themselves from hostile external influences.
The invention of the washing machine saved hours of human labour. Now, there is talk that robotics will further relieve us of household chores. For those with means, work in the home is increasingly outsourced, mechanised and automated. But in any household, someone must still do the managerial, organisational, mental, and emotion work. It is time we recognise this work. Any discussion of work-life balance, family support or gender equitability is incomplete without acknowledging all forms of domestic work and the gender dynamics involved. Households run, but the question is at what cost, to whom, and how much better can we be?
As we contemplate this issue, it’s worth reminding ourselves of the complex, sometimes countervailing macro social and economic forces of this moment that impact family norms. It’s not just the circumstance of women that’s been improving—education, jobs, much else—but also more recently that of domestic workers too. Parenting itself is changing amidst trends like smaller family sizes and digital disruption: children, on average, have fewer siblings and more devices than ever before. The four-way relationship—father, mother, child, domestic worker—in many Singaporean upper-middle-class families is experiencing varying, concurrent stresses and tensions.
For parents, it can sometimes feel like centuries of established marriage and child-bearing norms are being undone in years. Rightfully so, where they reflect sexism, misogyny and other forms of bigotry. Yet the struggles some men have with adapting to a more equal world are too easily weaponised today in the broader “culture wars”, leveraging male grievances to push political agendas, such as within some movements in the Manosphere. While there is a shift towards a more equitable distribution of domestic work, there is also reactionary resistance, such as the “trad wife” movement in the US—with its own possible early echoes in Singapore.
Therefore, we should not assume that this evolution will involve linear, uni-directional progress. Instead, we must apply constant care, deliberation, and empathy to achieve these goals. Each of us, with our own particularities and foibles, can experience how our own liberty and freedom are expanded through household and gender equity.
Imagine if men brought their work competencies home instead of taking a backseat at home. Imagine a family co-piloted by husband and wife as equal partners, no one the “boss” of the other, each fully engaged, each enjoying a close relationship with the children. This is a family in which both husband and wife have the burden—and privilege—of taking full ownership of their joint family lives.
Nina Sugianto is a lawyer who holds degrees in Sociology and Law, and a minor in Psychology. She enjoys exploring societal issues, particularly through the lens of gender, drawing insights from human behaviour and societal structures.
Letters in response to this piece can be sent to sudhir@jom.media. All will be considered for publication on our “Letters to the editor” page.
